What You Used To Be
by Lovatic1966
Summary: Seeing people change isn't what hurts; it's remembering what they used to be.
1. Cat

_"Cat, hurry up! You're so slow!" I laugh breathlessly as you run ahead of me in your favorite color, that bright blue when the sky is just like the ones in the fairytales. Your brown hair whips as you run, unhighlighted and tangling in on itself._

_"J - Jade!"_

_"C'mon, Cat!"_

_I force myself into one last burst of speed, catching up right up behind you and then tackling you to the ground. We fall in a laughing tangle of limbs, the hard ground taken into complete irrelevancy. We do nothing but lie there and laugh at nothing in particular for a few blissful minutes, devoid of everything but happiness. When the both of us finally manage to take a calming breath we turn on our sides to face each other. Physically, your eyes are same color they always were. That blue-green that always swirled between the sky and the grass, never able to linger in one place for too long. Your eyes used to be bright with curiosity and open like the sea. Now you're the ice; cold and hurtful to touch._

_"Cat?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Promise me we won't let anything tear us apart."_

_"I promise, Jade."_

We met before we had dreams and hopes, aspirations and desires. We met before things got complicated.

_"So what's your name?"_

_"Caterina."_

_"I'm just gonna call you Cat."_

_"Then I guess I'll just call you Jade."_

I remember when you used to mumble and look at the ground because you were too shy to speak and how nervous you'd be in front of other people.

_"I wish I was like you, Cat."_

_"Why?"_

_"You always know what to say and you're not afraid to say it. I shake just thinking about telling the teacher what I ate for supper."_

_"Well, whenever you're up there just imagine it's only me, kay?"_

_"Okay."_

I used to have to teach you how to talk to other people. There were times when I practically preached to you what I thought about people because I was desperate for you to understand and the more you understood the more you could accomplish. I showed you how to do mock presentations so you wouldn't stumble over the words you needed to get your point across. I taught you how to stand with confidence, told you how people actually had trouble detecting nervousness in the speaker. It was giving you your voice and now it's the voice that wounds me and cuts deep every day, the same blue-green eyes that slice through my silence when you look at me.

With your newfound voice you started speaking your mind. People were shocked simply by the fact that you spoke, so no one protested when they saw how fast your confidence was growing. You started volunteering first instead of sitting quietly in the back, talking instead of whispering.

_"A performing arts high school?"_

_"Yeah, do you know how amazing it will be there?"_

I was already lagging behind you before we got accepted. Your confidence always pushed you five steps ahead of me; you developed an entirely new personality without even looking back to check on me. It was easy for you now; to step onto the stage and perform whatever you wanted without a second thought.

Beck always said he liked headstrong girls.

_"Beck? As in Beck Oliver?"_

_"Why not? He's hot."_

_"Jade," I say tiredly. "This is our first year here; you just met him."_

_"So?"_

_"So -"_

_"Hey, Jade!" He's standing there with a smirk on his lips, hand combing through his hair._

_"Gotta go, Cat. I'll see you around." You toss the words carelessly over your shoulder, greet him with a kiss. That was the first time I ever really felt the way your coldness had burned me. I'm never sure which is which; are you burning or chilling me? Sometimes I think it's the first; it hurts so much I want to tear at myself and everything around me. It brings painful tears to my eyes and choking sobs to my throat. But other times I'm just so numb; just lying there and then I start to tremble softly, little sounds squeezing past my lungs as I cry. You've changed so much._

_"Bye." I whisper softly, even though you're already walking away. I've created my own destruction._

We still sit at the same table together at lunch, but we never talk. I'm nothing to you anymore, even though I made you.

I watched you turn from shy Jade to outspoken Jade, outspoken Jade to confident Jade, confident Jade to controlling Jade.

I watched you turn from my Jade to someone I don't even know anymore.

***sigh* It's halfway decent...**


	2. Jade

I used to be the shyest girl in the class. I used to keep my head down in the hallways, eyes on the floor when speaking. I'd always hide behind you when we had something to ask the teacher.

Those days are long past now. Now I'm not just Jade West; I'm _the _Jade West. I'm the confident, attractive bitch with an attitude and everyone knows my name, everyone moves to the side when I walk up, scrambles to do as I say. And where are you? I still see you, I see you every day in fact, but you're not _there. _You're not the same Cat that taught me how dance and sing, you're not the same Cat that taught me to put strength behind my voice, you're not _my _Cat anymore. Aren't you proud of me? I don't understand. I'm everything you wanted me to be; confident and not afraid to speak my mind.

I don't know, you just started...fading. I had all the momentum in the world and you just...you quit shining like you used to. You still shine with all the talent of world on the stage; singing, dancing, acting. But when you weren't on the stage you were staring absent-mindly into space when I know the old you would be writing a song, laughing or dancing, maybe all three. Tori says it looks like you're missing someone by your side. Is it me? It can't be; I have Beck. We can only love one person. Beck's the perfect guy for me, isn't he? Sure, my shyness around other people kept me from asking other people questions and lead to...situations, but that was just you teaching and telling me, right? I'd wanted to make sure I could kiss right and everything else, so I asked you to teach me. You taught me good all right.

Beck acts like he's glued to my hip more than half the time. The clinginess gets annoying sometimes. I remember how much more at ease I felt with your red hair flying next to mine...but that's just because you were such a big part of my life, I think. We're sitting in the same arrangement we always do at lunch, all of us crowded on one side of the table and I find myself straight across from you. Your eyes keep darting away, anywhere but me, except for a one-time, split second of eye contact. The shirt you're wearing brings memories flying back.

_Your tongue is hot in my mouth, brushing against my own. I can feel your hands on my hips, holding firmly. It feels incredible. It's feels like drinking after walking in a desert, running after being chained down...is this how every kiss feels? But you're just teaching me, so how would an actual kiss fee? You pull away and my eyes flutter open, my body suddenly missing the heat of you so close to me._

_"Okay."_

_Your face is flushed red and I wonder if mine is too._

_"Now you try."_

_I hesitate for a second, then lean forward, eyes falling shut. I wonder if I'm doing this right. Are my lips moving in the right way? Is my tongue doing what it's supposed to? Can you feel what I'm feeling too? You're leaning back onto the bed; hand on my neck to gently take me down with you. My hands have a mind of their own; creeping under the candy cotton blue of your shirt..._

I shake my head sharply to clear my mind.

"You alright there?" Beck asks with concern, but a prick of annoyance strikes me as I see that he's not even looking at me.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I swing my legs over the side of the table. "Cat!"

Your head turns quickly at the sound of your name. We stare at each other for a brief second, but the message is conveyed.

_I need to talk to you._

Slowly, you stand and walk over to meet me. I grab your wrist and yank you into the school, striding down the hall under we reach the janitor's closet. The door's unlocked, as usual. I lock us both in.

"Well?"

No answer.

"Cat, what's going on? You're not the same anymore!" My hands gesture my frustration.

"Neither are you."

The words are so quiet I almost have trouble hearing them.

"Well - no, I'm not. But that's what we both wanted, right? Cat, look at me, please!" I can't take the way you refuse to look at me anymore. I grab your shoulders, my nails digging in.

_"Jade..." You murmur my name against my skin._

I shake the memories away again.

"I'm everything you wanted me to be." I say, my voice breaking for the first time in years.

"I didn't want you to be this, Jade."

We make eye contact that lasts for more than a few seconds for the first time in what seems like forever. I can only force one last sentence out.

"I thought I was turning into the person for you to love."

**So...I kinda puked romance all over this one...*thumbs up***


End file.
